@outsmartedmommy: Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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@rockymomax: [me as a disc jockey] me: you’re on the air caller: please stop singing over the songs
@INDlAN_: When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
@samiam604: *me at Target* "Hey baby, you want some of this?" *offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers* Her: *calls security* ~Flirting is so hard