Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
me adding lol on a serious message
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.