Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
A woman drives into a bar.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
(Gaming support cat.)
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table