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Because dodging your own family wasn't enough.
@thatstings: My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment
@timdonakowski: Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: "Frozen" is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
@SirEviscerate: The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
@anbrll00: Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.