If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
You Might Also Like
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg