[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
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Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind