My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.