If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
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I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.