Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
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For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.