[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
buys donuts instead