[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
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How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*offers Batman cough drops*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.