[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Effort made
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry