[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.