Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
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She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”