when you don’t want to be too vague
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“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Best seat on the street 😍
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story