[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”