marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
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Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go