Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
#ParentingFacts
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’