Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?