Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
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do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed