My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
You Might Also Like
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Well, shit
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My guardian angel deserves a raise
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
🍛
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit