MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.