MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.