marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
You Might Also Like
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
This kinda thing happens to me often
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.