@GeorgeTakei: Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by "A man who layeth with another man must be stoned."
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@MythicPicnic: I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
@KngHnryVIII: When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don't eat it. #FathersDay
@Home_Halfway: My wife's leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.