Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Name this drama.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Does beer think about me too?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
San Francisco has too many rules
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.