Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
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“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Sing it!
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Need WebMD
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.