Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.