Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.