Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Put a ring on it
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over