Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.