Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!