Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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Plant care tips
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Don’t tell me what to do