Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.