That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
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When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.