Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
We’re all getting idioter.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Reporter: *ports again*
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.