Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it