Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Human are so complicated
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy