@sammyrhodes: Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
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@PaperWash: "Sorry I'm late" Why are there scratches all over your face? "Jujitsu training" You can scratch in jujitsu? "It's my cat's best move"
@VeganZebra: [Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water] DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
@JohnHilsen: Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.