Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Your secret is safeish with me