Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
God making man in his image was the original selfie
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter