Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?