Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary