Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
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Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Autocorrect is my menesis
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?