@KKBowls: Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you
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@RocketRankoon: What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news? Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny
@StansaidAirport: The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don't like the French.
@Ilovelamp1979: I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.