@KKBowls: Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you
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@ramblinma: My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
@OutOnTheMoors: Dear USA: Having seen most of your potential candidates, please ditch elections and try the sword-in-the-stone method of choosing a leader.
@truegritrumble: ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present. SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh? ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk? SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car. ME: *nervously* Oh *Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
@DaddyJew: I'll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese "So you want a cheeseburger?" Yes but when you bring it to me say here's your salad