If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My life coach traded me.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.