Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁