Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!