Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
You Might Also Like
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.