Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
so much to do
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.