Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.