From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader