MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
You Might Also Like
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.