Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.