@rickygervais: Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@botandy: You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
@afbradstone: Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words