@PJTLynch: Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
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@juliussharpe: I bet "Fifty Shades of Grey" won't make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.
@MrSpoonicorn: *cop slams bag of weed down on table* "EXPLAIN." "its not mine officer i swea- "oh quit the crap Bulbasaur we know you're the grass type"
@theevilwriter: I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn't do what I wanted.
@SadMeterologist: My neighbors are organizing something called a "fun run". This shit never happened when I lived in my car.